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T O P I C    R E V I E W
STREETS Posted - 06/30/2006 : 14:44:27
Anyone have any good jokes??
15   L A T E S T    R E P L I E S    (Newest First)
snowman Posted - 08/27/2013 : 13:34:45
quote:
Originally posted by WhatUSay

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.



I was just wondering oboe that.
WhatUSay Posted - 08/27/2013 : 07:29:40
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
miles Posted - 06/28/2012 : 14:35:12
Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello.." I politely said,"This is Mike, could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear,"Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled,"You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled,"NO!", and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole,(I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I then asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?'" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen." I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello" I said, "You're an asshole!"(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,"Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah!" He screamed, "Stop calling me!" I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said,
"Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass" I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax...

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better... Anger management really does work.

**************************

gadna50 Posted - 06/26/2012 : 13:43:18
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it"

GADNA
snowman Posted - 05/31/2012 : 17:04:26
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He screams to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

snowman Posted - 05/31/2012 : 16:59:12
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.
Marv Posted - 05/24/2012 : 17:03:26
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth....

Frogs are good bass bait.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,

I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it into my bait bucket.



Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten...

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him into the lake without incident.



... A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake..., with two more frogs.
miles Posted - 05/03/2012 : 19:13:53
The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!


**************************

wanderer9782 Posted - 02/08/2012 : 05:29:49
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a biker and the other is a gorgeous blond in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The biker replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."


The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
fnioldster Posted - 02/07/2012 : 12:37:15

Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory.....and both were laid off.

So...dey vent to der Unemployment Office togedder.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da
ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".

The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as skilled. So,
the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Ole found this out, he was yus furious! He stormed back into the
office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
benefits.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labor."

"Vat skill? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem
over his head and says, "Yah,------------- DIESEL FITTER".

(If you don't understand a word of this, then you're not Norwegian or from
Min ne soooo tah !) Yah sure, you bettcha !!



Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'
wanderer9782 Posted - 02/01/2012 : 10:33:45
A car salesman is having a slump one month and is desperate to make a sale. He ups a customer and works him hard. Lands the customer on a car and starts negotiating the deal. The customer doesn't make it easy and the front end profit disappears right in front of the salesman's eyes. Undaunted and just wanted an x on the board he continues to work hard. Then the customer hits the sm with the proverbial clunker trade. Again, the sm trudges forward determined to make the deal.
With all the confidence in the world he drives the trade right up to the used car manager. The car shakes, sputters and backfires right in front of the ucm. The manager looks at the sm with disbelief written all over his face and the sm, straightfaced and deadly serious says "Don't worry about all that. This car has never been appraised before and is just real nervous!!!!"

The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
wanderer9782 Posted - 01/26/2012 : 06:51:19
Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp, dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God... Arthur asks God, "Hey aren't you the inventor of the woman??" God says, "Yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3 The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm..." replies God. "Hold on." God goes to his celestial supercomputer, types in a few lines and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur. "But according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."


The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
fi4everish Posted - 01/21/2012 : 06:59:28
Goose Hunting

Ole was hunting geese, up in the Minnesota woods.

He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind, to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over. It went off, and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin!

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to... and there was his doctor, Sven.


"Vell Ole, I got some good news. And, I got some bad news. Da good news, is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.


"The bad news, is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage, done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister, a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye!"




Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Mark Twain





fnioldster Posted - 01/20/2012 : 12:35:53
Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
...
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides


Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'
wanderer9782 Posted - 01/19/2012 : 06:48:47
Having lived in Florida for some time now I can fully understand why the locals are confused.. If it's tourist season why can't we shoot 'em?

The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

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