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STREETS
Guadeloupe
3597 Posts |
 Posted - 10/29/2007 : 14:02:04
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his leg so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as
a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden
leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel
and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour
the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden
leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. |
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tcottom
USA
93 Posts |
Posted - 10/30/2007 : 07:42:04
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Only a person in Idaho could think of this.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside of a bar in Idaho. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off -- it was a fine, dry summer night -- flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all !!!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Idahoian, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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gadna50
Ireland
14903 Posts |
Posted - 10/31/2007 : 10:21:39
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Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday :Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses too much a$$. Then tomorrow is your day!
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living **** out of and get to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns
GADNA |
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S GA FandI
USA
242 Posts |
Posted - 11/01/2007 : 13:41:15
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Ted Kennedy. They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire...We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
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macscac
381 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2007 : 11:25:02
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Subject: Louisiana Ghost story (True Story)
This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town
in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a
really dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly
and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand
in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching
and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward
him and stopped.
Wanting a ride really badly the guy jumped in the car and closed the
door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel,
and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car
crept slowly forward and th e guy was terrified, too scared to think of
jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a
sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and
begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road
and in the bayou and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a
shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and
turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Then,just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the
hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the
hand reappear every time they reached a curve.
Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped
out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar
and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody
about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the
guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk). About half an hour
later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look
Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in
the rain." |
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gadna50
Ireland
14903 Posts |
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STREETS
Guadeloupe
3597 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2007 : 15:45:14
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This is funnier if you say it out loud rather than just reading it...
Q: Do you know what pesto is??
Uh..Isn't that the stuff you put in pasta sauce??
A: No..Its what a magician with a hairlip would say..
Pesto!!!!! |
Edited by - STREETS on 11/02/2007 15:47:43 |
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2007 : 18:32:52
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The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. *They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.*They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.*
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,Well,how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,*looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
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julieh
1497 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2007 : 19:24:25
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach . He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No" She said "You will be when the tide comes in"
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julieh
1497 Posts |
Posted - 11/02/2007 : 19:28:20
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God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
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STREETS
Guadeloupe
3597 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2007 : 08:53:32
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A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.
The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away.
The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.
The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened. The man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around." |
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STREETS
Guadeloupe
3597 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2007 : 08:55:06
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While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
'Did you get that for your birthday?' asked Little Johnny.
'Nope,' replied Jimmy.
'Well, did you get it for Christmas then?'
Again Jimmy says, 'Nope.'
'You didn't steal it, did you?' asks Little Johnny.
'No,' said Jimmy. 'I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.'
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, 'What do you want now?'
'I wanna watch,' Johnny replied.
'Fine,' his father said. 'Stand in the corner, but keep quiet.' |
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Busman
Italy
3112 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2007 : 12:12:26
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Politically correct fairy tale;
The Ants and the Grasshopper
All summer long the ants worked and prepared for the winter while the grasshopper went to Rage Against the Machine concerts and played Everquest. The grasshopper laughed and laughed at the ants for working so hard. Then winter came. The ants had plenty of food and shelter while the grasshopper had none. So the government took the ants tax money and built the grasshopper a house, gave him welfare cheese to eat, and paid for courses at the local university that the grasshopper didn't bother to go to. When the ants complained everyone agreed that they were greedy rich jerks for having more than the grasshopper.
The Moral of the Story: Taking money from people who work hard and giving it to the lazy is compassionate!
Play Like A Champion Today!
Boston Red Sox; 2007 World Series Champions! |
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JimD
USA
11963 Posts |
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miles
USA
9226 Posts |
Posted - 11/04/2007 : 07:49:04
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That's scary!!! Makes me wonder who's been peeping into our windows...... That guy asleep has a name, and so does the cat! Jim and Spoo!!!!!!!
My traitor kitty dog has totally adopted him. It's kinda cool actually.... |
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Jokes
