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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
 Posted - 12/03/2011 : 10:42:07
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Why Is It That Peta Is More Againt Fur Coats Than Leather Jackets?
Because Its Easier To Harass Rich Old Ladies Than Bikers.
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!! |
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/08/2011 : 11:41:26
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This bad ass biker wakes up one morning with a huge hangover. He slowly and painfully opens his eyes and sees two aspirin and a glass of water on the bedstand. He sits up and sees his clothes all laid out cleaned and pressed. As he looks around the rest of the room he sees it's spotless and everything is in perfect order. He reaches for the aspirin and sees a note which says "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go grocery shopping. Love you." So he makes his way tothe kitchen where, sure enough, his breakfast awaits. His son is at the table as well and so he asks "what happened last night?" The son replies, "Well, you got in after 3 am drunk and incoherent. You broke some furniture stumbling in, puked in the hallway and gave yourself a blackeye tripping and falling into the door." Now totally confused the biker asks his son "So why is everything in the house cleaned and shining and my breakfast already cooked? Isn't your mom mad?" The kid says "Nah! After mom dragged you into the bedroom she started to take off your pants and you yelled at her saying 'get off me woman, I'm a married man!!'"
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!! |
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/12/2011 : 13:33:58
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This one should get me in trouble with at least some of the members!!
Simple Rules Chicks Need To Know
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. If you ask us a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
4. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
6. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better then ANY cat. Period.
8. Shopping is not everybodys idea of a good time.
9. You have enough clothes.
10. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must. But don't expect us to like it.
12. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is too.
13. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
14. He won't remember your anniversary, mark it on the calender.
15. Yes and No, are perfectly acceptable answers.
16. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
17. Foreign films are for foreigners.
18. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a argument.
19. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
20. If you don't dress like Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
21. If something we said can be interpreted two different ways, and one way makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whetever you have to say during commercials.
24. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, neither do we.
25. When we're turning the steering wheel and the car is starting onto the off ramp, you saying "this is our exit," is not necessary.
Anyone care to add some???
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!! |
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/13/2011 : 14:16:36
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A biker came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh damn, it's started.
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/16/2011 : 07:17:19
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Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this).
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer.
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
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fi4everish
USA
1334 Posts |
Posted - 12/16/2011 : 12:48:01
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THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
Looking forward 20 years seems forever...Looking back on 20 yrs seems like yesterday
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/17/2011 : 06:06:32
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Redneck Driving Etiquette-
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2011 : 07:29:05
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Speaking of Tebow, I haven't seen this much attention paid to a white Bronco since OJ!!!
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
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fi4everish
USA
1334 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2011 : 07:36:56
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Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom”, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the ...corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Yellow and Green sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packer logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a big G, a Packers logo in every window, and an Aaron Rodgers jersey on the front door.
Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said "So what's your point Tom?"
"Well, why does Aaron get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Aaron's house, it's mine."
Looking forward 20 years seems forever...Looking back on 20 yrs seems like yesterday
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fi4everish
USA
1334 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2011 : 16:20:58
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A couple of young tourists are pulled over by a highway patrolman. The officer walks up, asks for the driver's license and registration, and when he doesn't get it quickly enough, whacks the driver in the head. "That's for not having your driver's license ready," he snaps. "I ain't got all day." After he issues the driver a ticket, the patrolman walks around to the other side of the car and whacks the passenger in the head.
"Owwww!" hollers the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
"That's to make your dream come true," replied the cop. "I know that when you'd gotten a half-mile down the road, you were gonna say to your friend here, 'Wish he'd tried that with me!'"
Looking forward 20 years seems forever...Looking back on 20 yrs seems like yesterday
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Edited by - fi4everish on 12/19/2011 16:24:50 |
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/21/2011 : 05:42:42
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/22/2011 : 06:08:53
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It's got to be something in the water in Pennsylvania!!
http://webabout.com/jokes/NotQuiteClean/quarterbacks.shtml
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/22/2011 : 06:12:22
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Women:
What I want in a Man:
(original list)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man:
(revised list at age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man:
(revised list at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man:
(revised list at age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch, scratch or fart in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man:
(revised list at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man:
(revised list at age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toile
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
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WhatUSay
United Kingdom
2210 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2011 : 15:49:07
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23 Grown-Up Truths
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on their # 5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the
rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't
want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I
did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men
to realize that their brain is also important. |
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wanderer9782
USA
767 Posts |
Posted - 12/24/2011 : 06:46:03
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T'was the Night Before Christmas
Redneck Version:
twas The Night Before Christmas, And All Through The Shack
not A Creature Was Stirrin', Cept The Lice On Muh Back.
the Skoal Cans Wuz Nailed To The Screen Door With Care,
with Hopes That St. Nicholas Soon Would Be There.
the Children Were Sleepin', All Snug In Their Beds,
while Visions Of Tractor Pulls Danced In Their Heads.
and Ma In Her Nightgown All Stained With Pound Cake.
had Just Settled Down To Watch Ricki Lake.
when Out In The Driveway, A Loud Noise I Heard,
i Opened The Winder To Check Muh T-bird.
i Ran To The Door, Like I's On A Mission,
but I Tripped On Some Parts From Muh Granny's Transmission.
the Moon Shone Outside, The Hound Dog Wuz Barkin'.
muh Daughter Weren't Home Yet, She Wuz Still Out Parkin'.
when What To Muh Whiskey Blind Eyes Should I See
but A Chevy S-10, Pulled By Eight Flyin' Sheep.
with A Fat Nasty Driver, So Disgustin' And Sick
i Said, "shoot Fire! That Must Be St. Nick!
more Rapid Than X-lax His Wooly Sheep Came
and He Belched And He Hollered, And He Called 'em By Name.
now Clifford! Now Vernon! Now Lester And Enus!
on Festus! On Elmer! On Roscoe And Cletus!
from The Top Of The Shack To Them There Garbage Bins
now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away Youins!
i Heard A Loud Sound On The Roof Of Muh Shack.
pud Down Muh Beer And Went Fer Muh Gun Rack.
he Fell Through The Roof, Plum Killed My Dog,
i Swear That Ole' Santa Looked Just Like Boss Hog.
he Wore A T-shirt, Rebel Flag On The Front,
and His Jeans Were All Bloody From That Morning's Hunt.
a Big Nekkid Lady Tattooed On His Arm,
and He Wore Black Boots That He'd Picked Up In 'nam.
his Eyes, How They Glazed From Too Much Wild Turkey.
from The Side Of His Mouth Hung A Stick Of Beef Jerky.
a Scar On His Cheek From A Fight With The Cops.
the Veins On His Face Looked Ready To Pop.
the Butt Of A Marlboro Clung To His Lip
he Wore A Hip Pack Full Of B-b-q Chips.
he Had A Fat Face And A Hairy Beer Belly.
i Ain't Seen One That Big Since Muh Ex-wife Shelly.
he Was Gap-toothed And Dumb With An I.q. Of Three
and I Laughed Cause That Redneck Was Smarter Than Me.
a Wink Of His Eye, A Fierce Shake Of His Head,
from His Hair Came A Rat That Ran Under The Bed.
he Reached In His Sack, Sipped His Gin And Tonic,
then Filled The Kid's Stockings With Hooked On Phonics.
his Toys Came From Big Lots And They Weren't Very Nice
but He Had Lots Of Them And Yuh Can't Beat The Price.
he Gave Us A Tape Of Them Hound Dogs That Sing Jingle Bells.
some Crisco, Some Spam, Some Oatmeal Cream Pies,
and A Nascar T-shirt In Double X Size.
when The Presents Were Gone And He Had No More,
he Staggered And Stumbled Right Through Muh Screen Door.
he Hopped In His Truck, To His Sheep Gave An Order
"hurry Up Youins! To The Tennessee Border!"
and I Heard Him Cry Out, With A Strong Southern Drawl,
"merry Christmas, You Rednecks! Merry Christmas Y'all... Yee Hawwww!
The biggest threat to America is the U.S. Congress!!
Remember, you can't fix stupid but you can vote it out!!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
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Jokes
